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your hair the words i've said so many times the first time you told me that you wanted me the first time i touched you for real in between class i put my arms around your waist and you leaned back against me like i was the boy you always wanted we'd kissed drunk before the day the four of us got wasted in your garage back in december and you went to canada to see your dad and came back for new year's eve and everybody we knew was at your party a month or so later i made you one side of a tape for valentine's day and acted like it was nothing, like i didn't spend a week on it, just sort of got bored the night before maybe and you learned all the words to all the songs i wanted you so bad and i wanted to kiss you sober in jared's car the first time we got stoned together a week later you came to my work and we were on the outside wall and when we were done with our cigarettes i stood up and somehow i kissed you and your mouth felt strange and new and i told you that you tasted green i went home and wrote you a letter before i went to utah and every night that i was there i would look out at the miles and miles of snow and i listened to that song thirteen our song the first time we kissed at school on that rock thing in front of the GE building why were we so nervous? you made me feel so weird and vulnerable and beautiful for once i asked you out and you said yes we always went to your house after school and just laid in bed, making out and fucking and just laying there smiling until the 7:05 bus came and i was always running to catch it because it always came too soon we hardly ever fought and the more i loved you the less you painted the picture of your ex boyfriend in the corner of the room that always watched us the day we took adderall, sixty five milligrams to freedom the most intense connection i ever felt to a human being it cost seventeen dollars and we stayed up text messaging each other couldn't sleep and i said weird things like "my heart is muddy and made of plain white paper i need to hear your voice, your tongue moving in your mouth" dropping e at prom, looking dorky in my tuxedo, kissing you hard at the hotel party while boys wrestled on the floor drinking all your mom's wine and making love on the couch while she was at yoga drinking beer when we had it taking vicodin when we wanted it and it was the happiest i ever remember being and we called each other baby then you started hanging out with some people i didn't really understand smoking pot every day and staying out till 3am while i was at home with a curfew and it started hurting but we did okay until i left driving around in my mom's car buying you marlboro reds i finished the other half of the tape and gave it to you the day i went away i paid greyhound eighty dollars to see you last month and we rode our bikes twenty miles to the ocean where you smoked a bowl out of the pipe i got you for your eighteenth birthday and we decided to just end it and after you left to not end it and today it's over i haven't been treating you right not calling or writing i slept with someone else and i've been kissing girls that don't mean anything last night this girl asked me to kiss her and i did and she got on top of me and i'm sorry, baby for everything you cried out loud you're lonely for once and you don't think i love you and i don't know if i do i wish i knew hannah i'm so sorry if i'm crying does it mean i do? does it mean i still want you like i did when i waited for you to realize i wasn't him or any other boy i met you in san francisco two weeks ago and fucked you on the air mattress in our friend's apartment drunk as fuck and stoned out of my mind was that the last time? you told me not to call you or come to santa cruz to kiss you "too young to hold on too old to break free and run"?
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