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i'm real happy lately even when i fuck up. my mom bought me a coat this morning for spain &she's not going to die. she has atrial tachycardia &had an operation on monday. today in jack in the box she told me about it. i guess when they first put her under they didn't give her enough. she could feel the catheter moving around in her heart and started crying, so they pumped her up with some more meds. it must have been too much because she said next that she began to stare at a place in the wall and slumped down in her seat. she realized after awhile that she wasn't breathing, and at this point in the story she looked at me and said, "you know how when you hold yr breath, you get that urge to breathe?" and i'm like yeah and she says, i didn't feel like breathing. i felt like i didn't need to, it was the strangest feeling. so blah blah, the doctors noticed and slapped on this oxygen mask and she got angry because she was so peaceful. the whole reason she told me is because she's on this medicine that causes amnesia and she's not going to remember tomorrow. today i stole the collected poems of frederico garcia lorca, since i'm going to spain and all and he's spanish. i figure i'll impress some spanish indie boy in a coffee shop or something. garcia lorca is real pretty in a simple, european way. i'm drunk, by the way, on bacardi 1873. i have twenty shiny new cigarettes in my purse, courtesy of franco. i feel goddam invincible. invincible! i'm writing ok poetry. emily's is coming along superbly; yesterday i submitted one of her better ones for an easy publishing in some teen magazine. saturday is lincoln's winter ball. i got stoned yesterday. how high school, i swear. thank god i'm going to college next year. i'm tired of being sixteen. current thoughts: . being drunk is good. . smoking is good. . my life is real swell. . i really love my mother. . smoking weed is just ok. . sex is bad. . lauren's new hair is kind of cool. . i'm not depressed anymore. . lindsey is very friendly. . franco is weird and intriguing. . i should go to bed. . i love emily very deeply. ok goodnight.
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