sitting across from this guy I slept with
who�s going out with this girl I slept with
in some pizza place and this song I�ve heard once before
comes on the guy keeps asking if he�s going to be
lonely for the rest of his life
I keep trying to listen to the song but he keeps talking
about something else, my girlfriend wants me to buy
ecstasy from her ex boyfriend for prom
am I gunna be lonely for the rest of my life but he
doesn�t hear me, he�s telling me how ecstasy is made from
residues of other drugs or something
so we go to this party in Willow Glen and I�m drinking
T&T and Jaeger when she walks outside and doesn�t kiss me
so I laugh and smile and don�t touch her and when I�m drunk
enough I leave the party she feels bad so she kisses me goodbye
even though neither of us are in the mood
then I get in the car and she goes back inside and snorts two lines
two lines of coke? I ask
yeah, she says when she calls me and wakes me up at 3:45am
that�s nice babe, I say
I feel bad, she says I was acting stupid and I�m so paranoid
no it�s okay, I say
I mean you�re so good for me and you�re always the bigger man and I�m stupid
I swear it�s okay, I say again
I went back to sleep and had bad fucked up dreams about drugs and long cellophane curtains
or something, big buildings and a rooms filled with people all doing drugs
and pulling at my skin
I wake up and stare at the ceiling for seven minutes. Do the laundry in
my underwear. She calls and says she has a small confession, it wasn�t coke,
it was meth, she didn�t sleep at all, and now she�s wearing a skirt and
heels and looking for a job at the mall
wants to know if I�m mad and I say I don�t think so
why aren�t you mad? you�re my girlfriend, she says
I don�t think I�m mad, but if you thought I was going to be mad, then why did you
do it?
she doesn�t answer and I go downstairs and make a sandwich, my brother
asks about the Cuban Revolution and I tell him. Nothing
really affects me anymore. Three
girls consider me a mistake. I can't
be fucked over. I won't be fucked over.
Do what you want. I'll buy you weed
and cigarettes and fuck you every day
but I won't give you anything you
can damage I learned my fucking lesson.
I learned how to turn it off.
I feel
a bit like a computer or a robot, like Andy Warhol said, I write
these words because I want to be a machine.