in�fi�del�i�ty

1. a.Unfaithfulness to a sexual partner, especially a spouse.
b. An act of sexual unfaithfulness.
2. Lack of fidelity or loyalty.
3. Lack of religious belief.

You're welcome.

You're welcome for breaking the silence shattering your heart wrapping your fingers around mine because I always treated you like a child.

But I couldn't take it anymore.

I knew it when he leaned to kiss me and I couldn't pull away,

when I climbed on top of him and kissed violently

his goatee clawed at my lips like small teeth and his breath pushed itself into me like a drug and my body screamed

just because.

And I'm disturbed because I don't remember what color his eyes were.

When he looked at me I looked right into both of them and I

can'tfuckingremember

what color they were.

I looked eyes closed and thought

he is too fucking old for me.

He pulled my hips into him and his hands found shadows

I realized: this medicine takes away my sex drive.

But somehow. He knew.

He knew how to make my breath small my throat whisper push my child-fingers around his thick neck and feel his veins murmur sweet nothings into my nerve endings

fastcalm.

We got up and he put his arms around me his muscles contracted while mine relaxed and

I was home, playing the first song that came to mind on my guitar,

"Screaming Infidelities."

It is yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
& my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
& I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there are parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
& it feels like
it is colder than it ought to be in March.

And my fingers ache from playing backwards love-songs to you

because I don't have callouses

yet

and my voice is raw from singing aloud, the way it is when you tell a horrible secret

and I still can't believe I did that.

And I'm sorry I pulled away when you were kissing me and shook when you were touching me and thrashed sofly in my sleep but I am still aching.

I hate boys.

Especially the one that did it first.

I guess what I'm saying is.

I/CAN'T/COMPENSATE.

I'm sorry I got scared

I'm sorry I was showing off

I'm sorry I forgot my pills

I'm sorry that I'm sorry.

Say goodnight, not goodbye.