you're a girl, i'm a machine

i'll show you around
trembling, slumped back in a dirty chair
gasping against the acid, i told you i loved you,
loved you more than anything, more than my own
fucking mother, my brain feels warm and
slimy, slapping against the insides of my skull
couldn't sleep, no beer, one joint,
i try to kiss you but i can't, my jaws
contract, fuck. you only took one hit
your eyes gently rolling back in
a slow daze, your fingers move
slowly in my hair, you tell me to watch
the movie. it's been three weeks since
i snorted ecstasy off of a psychology textbook,
two weeks since i did four lines of coke
off of a brita filter, six days since i
choked down raw shrooms in a tiny apartment
in massachussetts, you tell me
to take it easy. i collapse against you,
crying and laughing grotesquely, desperately.
i want you to to tell me you're in love
with me, but you won't
make that mistake again
even if you are.

in january when i got back from mexico
i picked you up down the street from
the light rail station and you climbed in,
reeking of alcohol and chemicals and
pulled me hard into you, your tongue
anxious and frantic in my mouth.
"what the fuck are you on?" i asked.
"meth. kiss me."
i didn't know what to think, so i took
you to a parking lot and struggled
with your levi's until you came down
and you bought a hanukkah present for your mom.
we went to your house, you curled against me
while i tried to warm you, you were so
soft and cold and you opened your eyes,
inches from my face, your pupils dilated
and glassy and you said you never stopped
loving me, even when i was three hundred
miles away doing ten shots a night,
shoving the wrong girls up against the wall,
smashing bottles, screaming, puking,
telling everyone to just fuck off,
i don't fucking need anyone, especially
not you, but i was lying, baby, i lied.
i realized that sunday morning in san francisco
we hadn't spoken in over a month and
i was crashing from the coke and i woke up,
and you woke up too, and tucked your
dark hair behind your ear and got on top of me.

i fucked you over and it took me this long
to come back around, when the drugs wear off
you say you like it where i am, maybe we
could get a place, you could move in with
my friends, we could wake up to each other
every morning, then yesterday you call from portland,
you're riding a streetcar, you like it there,
you're gunna stay. i could
have called the dealer but
i waited til today.
guess i waited
too long.

boys don.t cry