I had a horrible dream last night.

When I read you this morning I staggered downstairs and dropped everything

gulped my medicine and walked out the door.

It was like Tuesday all over again minus the taste of pink on my lips and warmth.

i.cannot.breathe.in.fast.enough.

I want to fight you, Cameron.

I want to tell you that none of that is true that I did nothing wrong but that's not fucking true.

I was always so afraid to be with you

for SOCIAL reasons, not emotional ones.

Or maybe both.

So I went to school and came back and read you again

got up slowly.

Went downstairs and shaved my legs.

Quietly.

And now. I want to tell you that everything is fine, everything's alright.

I want to tell you that I have feelings too, that I can't stand to be without you, that I just want to be with you.

I want to tell you that. But Cameron, that's not true either.

I don't like the way you hold me.

You extend your arms and pull me stiffly towards you

m-e-c-h-a-n-i-c-a-l-l-y as FUCK.

Like I said.

I need to be dominated I need to be hurt AT LEAST ONCE

just to make sure you're fucking there.

I can understand you're new at this. I can understand you don't know how to give me what I need but that doesn't fucking change that YOU/DIDN'T/KISS/ME.

I can't put you through this pain anymore.

I am such a complicated girl and that's not what you need. You need to get away from me, romantically.

I've tried. I've tried to push you away and you know that.

I cheated on you. More than you think.

I shot you sarcastic remarks from day one.

I was downright mean to you sometimes.

WHY THE HELL DO YOU LIKE ME?

No, let me correct that. You don't like me, you like that horribly depressed girl who wore a ponytail and a black sweatshirt every day and K-Swiss shoes who never did her homework who just came home and sat at the computer and tried to find someone to fucking love her.

That is not me anymore.

I am so sorry. I agree almost completely with everything you have said, and I have nothing left to say.

So I tried to escape you last night again, I went to a dance and my ears are thick with ugly music and my hands are raw from violently scrubbing telephone numbers from my skin.

When I came home I went into my room and played this song before I fell asleep [if you call me I will play it for you] --

It's just like you to contest
Wear it like a label on your breast
Don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
With your charm and in your pride
A hopeful look draped in despise.

I wanna give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I wanna give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?

I had a horrible dream last night about static and highways and hideous smiles --

BUT I FORGOT TO DREAM IN COLOR.