|
i still smoke, she doesn't. i'm with a girl, she's with a boy. i'm relatively happy. i'm not so sure that she is. i don't even really take my medicine anymore. she, pill junkie that she is, takes several each morning. i don't even think it was the drugs. i think it was just life, just shit that got in the way. too many mistakes and not enough apologies. in the very beginning she worshipped me. i was immortal. everything. we fell in love, or something close to being in love. obsession, infatuation, maybe. i fucked it up, and then came back. it was too late. i was devastated. after a couple of months my confusion turned into pure hatred. from then on until we stopped talking i hated her more than anything. i was bitter and angry and blamed everything wrong with me on her. i'm over that now. there's no anger, no guilt, nothing except for a bit of nostalgia and wistfulness. i'm just sorry at the fact that to get to where i am now, the happiest i've been since...forever, i had to lose everything and start over. because she WAS everything. for three years she was the only thing that mattered. nothing else was worthy of my attention. nothing else was as important as drawing henna tattoos on each other's hands, renting movies late at night, driving to random places in her mom's car--me on the left side, her on the right, always--getting cheese bagels and cuddling on the couch in the morning, helping her babysit, taking her dad's painkillers, smoking half-burnt cigarettes on the overpass, walking to her house after school to eat cheezits and watch tv, having touchdown jesus practice. trust me, i know how it feels. i must have listened to black star at least five or six times today. and it gives me headaches too. except i've lost my faith in medicine.
|