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lauren: thank you for being straight up like that. however, i don't think that you are even close to "moving on", as you say. your "intense hatred for yourself" isn't random. here's a hint, it's all this you&me&ray shit. i mean, you're in complete denial that you have at least MINIMAL homosexual feelings. you are nowhere NEAR as gay as i am, but you remember just as well as i do the way you used to look at me and touch me. of course ray is better--you are, after all, mostly heterosexual. but i know what it's like to have to stifle those feelings for someone else's benefit. you hate yourself because of me, indirectly. because of everything we did. you need to stop hiding in prescriptions and explaining it away and just confront it, like i did. it was a normal, teenage, hormone-induced mistake. it's an emotional problem, not a chemical one. smoking weed and getting drunk are not strange things. everyone does them and they didn't have any sort of surreal, fucked-up effect on you. it's the things you DID while you were stoned and drunk that are the problem. in the words of alanis, yr going full speed in the wrong direction and i hope you can take charge of this and try to fix it yourself instead of taking more and more pills until you are a fucking paranoid prescription-drug-abusing strung-out housewife writing mediocre poetry. okay, that was a little dramatic, but you get the idea. i care about you and i hope you eventually grow out of this hard time. just remember that sophomore year is the hardest and you can always write a best-selling biography out of this shit. end.
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