11.08.02

Running to stand still


 they were drawing charts and diagrams of two-to-three-day rest cycles

about how her running is going to peak tomorrow at 2:41 and how

they will win the tournament because, exponentially

the spring is coming back in her legs &she will win

so she stood up with a half-smile and when she was walking out she slipped

and broke her ankle

he gathered her in his big arms

& put her in the rain under the statue of the virgin mary

and said, "please, god.

i can.t lose the junior nationals.

i swear i.m sorry."

the tears and her thick panting she says her toes are cold but he calls no ambulance

&i just stood there because

the only running

is walking
[i just want you to come over &brush my hair and massage my uterus]
the lunch lady adjusts her beat up forty-niners cap

licks her big purple lips "i hope your day gets better, sweetie"

the dogs of war drag their

big slippery tongues all over

my father.s scalpel

i want to make an incision six by four
[i have to keep kissing your eyes so you won.t see]
and pull out my ovaries

and cut off my clit

and humanely remove the top joint of my pinky finger

like the cowboys &indians

and put my little hands in the hot blood

and fingerpaint

pictures of my mother

with needles in her chest and face
[i can.t let you see how scared i am baby please]
[she was telling me the other day how
she can.t afford to be scared anymore she
reads the obituaries three times and counts to four on her
brown calloused fingers
&sighs &says i am the color of her cappuccino]

today they are pulling down her pants

and taking pretty pictures of her fat plump heart

before they hook her up

and pump her full of electricity

to kill the ugly parts

and when they pick &pull with their long thin fingers at her scar tissue

i wonder if

she will still be sad &

peevish

when she watches the news at

five and gets

upset when i come in soaking wet and

what does your soul look like



boys don.t cry
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